Wednesday, March 10, 2010


Yesterday got better...
I found out, via Facebook and some subtle picture messages, that Michael's cousin is pregnant...again. Her first child had to have only been about 4 or 5 months old when she got pregnant again. Are you kidding?!

The world just doesn't make sense. And it hurts. Following life's rules gets you nowhere. Michael and I have done everything in the proper order. I graduated from college, went to law school, we didn't get engaged until I was out of law school, got married, bought a house suitable for a future family, saved money to afford a family, paying like crazy on house and school debt, building our relationship. Finally ready for a baby a 13 months ago baby. Just a bunch of stress, anxiety, sadness, waiting in doctors' offices, being poked and prodded, having blood drawn, taking medicine that causes unpleasant side effects...and repeating.

Then you have the people who DON'T follow the rules and they just have kids at will. They think about having a baby, and *poof* they have one.

I cried pretty much all day and night yesterday. I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm angry. I want revenge. I want what I deserve. I've played by the rules. I've done my part. Now life needs to do its part.

If things don't work this month, I have one more try at this before I would have to go to a specialist, who would likekly do insemination. I don't want to do insemination, so all of this may be over by May 2010. And then we'll have to look at adoption, which will taken another year, at best.

I'm bitter. And I think I have every right to be. And I think any other woman/couple going through the same things I'm going through has a right to be mad and bitter. You don't have to be gracious and patient all the time. Be mad. It is your right. You don't have to embrace what is happening to you.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

White Flag

I'm having a particularly hard day today. I'm supposed to go to the doctor today, but I don't really want to. It's not going to matter. Michael left on a business trip this morning. He won't be back until late Wednesday night. Today and tomorrow are the two most important days. I tried to make it happen last night and he wouldn't. He wanted to do it this morning. I hate that and wasn't in the mood. It became a huge fight.

He doesn't care how I feel. He doesn't carry around the pain and anguish that I do everyday. He hasn't done anything to help in this process. He hasn't gotten his sperm count done. He never initiates sex. He puts all the pressure on me. He is so weak.

I don't think I care anymore. He's left me alone on two of the most important days. For a business trip. Why should I care to have a baby anymore if he doesn't care?

Monday, March 1, 2010

Try, Try Again

The Clomid did not work in February. I was devastated. I had a very hard time this weekend. Two weekends ago, when I thought I was pregnant, I was so happy. I saw the world in a whole different light. I felt like I was actually living. I was sitting in church two weekends ago and it dawned on me that I really had been living in a fog, simply going through the motions of life, but not really living and appreciating each day. I just felt so good.

And then this past Friday came. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. wanting to take a pregnancy test, but I made my self lay there and wait until about 6:00 a.m. I then crept downstairs and took one in the downstairs bathroom. I was so excited and nervous. The test was a very clear NO. I was devastated. But, I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself that it may still be too early to test, so there was still hope.

Three hours later, my period arrived. I cried. I felt like my world had just crashed down on me again. I felt horrible.

That was also the 8th anniversary of the day Michael and I met. He's always so sweet. He knew what had happened that morning, but he wanted to meet Friday evening at the Panera Bread where we met 8 years ago. He invites me there every year and this year was no different. He sent me an e-mail Friday afternoon reminding me that we had met 8 years ago and he hadn't forgotten. He asked me to please meet him at Panera and then we could go see a movie (Avatar). I wanted to go, but I also didn't want to go. But, of course I went.

Driving to Panera that evening, I was feeling bad. I prayed to God. I was asking why this keeps happening and why I have to feel so bad. And then He spoke to me. My mom had given me a CD of a song by Sidewalkf Prophets on my birthday when I was feeling very bad about my trouble conceiving. The CD case had been above my passenger side dashboard for months. It all of a sudden fell down to the seat beside me with a loud crash. My first response was, "What the hell? Where did that come from?" And then it hit me. He wanted me to listen to that song. I did and, through that song, He reminded me to be strong in Him and hang on for the future because good things are coming. I turned the song off and then I heard the other song that had really spoken to me recently, "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson. God reminded me through that song that while I'm experiencing some excruciating pain right now, it is going to pale in comparison to the joy that is coming. God restored my hope. But, I still couldn't shake the question of, "why me?"

And then, God spoke to me again. Michael and I were at home Saturday evening watching "Evan Almighty." As you may know, Evan is chosen to be the next Noah and strange, embarrassing things keep happening to him, despite the plans that he has for his future. His wife also gets frustrated and leaves with their children. She's sitting in a diner when she speaks to God, disguised as a waiter. She tells the waiter that she doesn't understand why these things are happening in their lives when all she wanted to do was be closer to her husband, etc. God says this: When people pray for strength or closeness or patience, do you think God gives them those things or gives them the opportunity to be those things? And then it dawned on me. I had been praying for a year for God to help Michael and I be closer to one another. We had drifted apart some, picking on the tiniest little things and resenting each other. But lately, through all of this infertility drama, we have been closer than I can ever remember. We lean on each other, support each other, love each other. We have more patience with each other and communicate much better with each other. We have become close again. God answered my prayer to be closer to Michael by presenting the opportunity to be closer through this infertility hardship.

Do I wish he would have picked a different way to help us become closer? Of course. But at the same time, I'm not sure anything else would have been as effective. We're both hurting and knowing we're closer doesn't take away the pain of the infertility. But, we're hurting together and loving each other through the hurt, and that helps make it a little more bearable.

I'm still scared, sad, worried about never being able to have a baby. But, I know that no matter what, Michael will still love me. He will still be by my side even if we are told we can never have a biological child. He will still be by my side through any adoption process we may have to go through. He will still be by my side if we decide to let go of the dream of having children. He will be there.

So, my realization, in sum, is bittersweet. Although we haven't successfully conceived a child, we have resurrected our marriage, for which I am extremely thankful.

And together, we will continue to try, try again until we succeed in creating whatever family God chooses for us.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Sometimes the world just doesn't make sense

I took my first round of Clomid this month. I'm having spotting everyday, since last Friday, which would have been day 10 after ovulation. Doesn't seem hopeful.

To make matters worse, I learned of a situation where a man beat the crap out of his girlfriend's 10 month old baby. The man broke several of the baby's bones, messed up the child's toes, put this kid in really bad shape. The doctors say the injuries are only indicative of intentional abuse. But perhaps the worst part of this sotry is that the mother of this child is defending the perpetrator.

The world does not make sense. Here I am, doing everything I can to try to have a baby, and then here are these people who have a child and abuse it and let the abuse occur. I am mad and want to cry at the same time.

I pray for this child and every other abused and neglected child. May your lives improve and may you prosper despite the clear shortcomings of your parents.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

A new year, a new attitude

Well, here's to an end to 2009 and a bright outlook for 2010! I've always liked even numbers better anyway.

I don't quite know why, but I feel like this year is going to be a better year for me. I feel optimistic about the odds of getting pregnant. I truly think the thyroid medication is helping me and so I'm hopeful that an out of whack thyroid was the cause of my irregular cycles. My husband has been so supportive lately and such a trooper in really putting forth effort to try to get pregnant. I know it can't be easy to make love to your wife for a specific purpose other than fun. I love him for sticking with me.

We go back to the doctor on the 20th. I'm hoping that at that time we'll either be pregnant or get confirmation that the thyroid was the problem and now it is just timing.

I struggled with the "Why not me?" question all last year, as you can probably tell from my older posts. But, this year, after a lot of praying the last few weeks and the beginning of this new year, I have a sense of calm and a re-assurance that God hasn't forgotten about us. I think our time is coming and I just have to trust that God will continue to help me remember that He has a plan.
(But don't be surprised if my attitude goes south from time to time if things don't start clicking. lol)

So, here's to a FANTASTIC 2010 for everyone! Keep the faith and always remember that even if we don't know it, God always has a plan. Just try your best to trust Him, no matter how hard it gets to do it.