Yesterday got better...
I found out, via Facebook and some subtle picture messages, that Michael's cousin is pregnant...again. Her first child had to have only been about 4 or 5 months old when she got pregnant again. Are you kidding?!
The world just doesn't make sense. And it hurts. Following life's rules gets you nowhere. Michael and I have done everything in the proper order. I graduated from college, went to law school, we didn't get engaged until I was out of law school, got married, bought a house suitable for a future family, saved money to afford a family, paying like crazy on house and school debt, building our relationship. Finally ready for a baby a 13 months ago and...no baby. Just a bunch of stress, anxiety, sadness, waiting in doctors' offices, being poked and prodded, having blood drawn, taking medicine that causes unpleasant side effects...and repeating.
Then you have the people who DON'T follow the rules and they just have kids at will. They think about having a baby, and *poof* they have one.
I cried pretty much all day and night yesterday. I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm angry. I want revenge. I want what I deserve. I've played by the rules. I've done my part. Now life needs to do its part.
If things don't work this month, I have one more try at this before I would have to go to a specialist, who would likekly do insemination. I don't want to do insemination, so all of this may be over by May 2010. And then we'll have to look at adoption, which will taken another year, at best.
I'm bitter. And I think I have every right to be. And I think any other woman/couple going through the same things I'm going through has a right to be mad and bitter. You don't have to be gracious and patient all the time. Be mad. It is your right. You don't have to embrace what is happening to you.