Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas Day

Today was a good day. I was blessed by spending time with all of my cousins' little kids. There's nothing better than spending time with joyful children. I have hope that I will soon be blessed with the little bundle of joy that I was so hoping for this Christmas. I will never understand God's ways and what he is planning for my life, but I have to believe that he is up to something good. My pastor's sermon last night on Christmas Eve reminded me that I need to hold on to that belief, no matter how dire things seem.

So here's to hope and the belief that God is good and that God will do what is best for me and my husband.

Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Trying to Enjoy Christmas

I woke up this morning with a brief feeling that yesterday may have just been a bad dream. Unfortunately, it wasn't. I cried this morning for a while after my husband left for work. Then I pulled myself together and got ready to go to work myself.

I know I said this yesterday, but all I want is an explanation for why God chooses to do what he does. I can only hope that there is a reason He is waiting to bless us with a child. Maybe my child is meant to do something awesome at a certain age in a certain year. I cannot understand blessing someone who doesn't want a child with one, but I guess I just have to believe there is a reason.

Life just sucks sometimes, you know? I know it is the Christmas season, but I just haven't been in the mood to celebrate Christmas. I would trade every present I get this season for a baby. I would love nothing more than to have children to celebrate Christmas with and see the joy in their faces. Christmas just isn't that special for me this year, no matter how hard I try to make it be special. My husband doesn't want any gifts this year because all he wants to do is go to the Sugar Bowl. So, the excitement of shopping for the perfect present to say "I love you" to him is gone. My in-laws never want anything and I'm about to take them at their word one of these days and truly not buy them any presents. My parents are harder than heck to buy for, too.

The most joy I have gotten out of Christmas this year was shopping for a family we adopted through our church. They had three kids and I had a blast. But, you don't get to see the joy when they open their presents, and we already had to drop the gifts off at church, so that fun is over.

I'm going to be without my husband on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, too. I already feel lonely and I truly will be lonely those two days. He's going to the Sugar Bowl with his buddies. I'm happy for him and I want him to go, but it's going to be a lonely holiday for me this year.

Everything is just slightly off this year and so I don't have any Christmas spirit. I keep praying for my Christmas miracle. Maybe someday it will come true.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Emotions nobody wants to talk about

I'm starting this blog in the hopes of helping myself cope with the frustrations of trying to get pregnant and maybe help some other ladies out there who feel hopeless like me.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive since the end of January 2009. It's been a difficult road because my cycles have been all over the map. They range from 28 days to 52 days! Needless to say, trying to determine when I'm ovulating has been extremely difficult. I went several months this summer taking pregnancy test after pregnancy test, only to have them come out negative. I have cried more times than I can count.

My (former) doctor was less than helpful. After having blood tests done due to 10 months of crazy cycles, I had to call three times and wait 20 days before my doctor finally called me to discuss the results of the tests. And when he finally did call, he actually had the nerve to ask me what my goal was and what exactly were my questions. Hello?? What do you think my goal was? Obviously, he had no idea who I was when he called.

I just switched doctors this month. This doctor thinks my problem could be a slightly irregular thyroid. So, I'm taking Synthroid for 6 weeks, going back to have my blood drawn again, and having an ultrasound done to see if the doctor can see anything irregular that might be a cause of the infertility.

During all of this crazy ordeal it seems as though every woman I know has gotten pregnant. And, they've gotten pregnant practically just by sneezing. The first one got pregnant less than a month after the stopped using birth control. It seems as though my Facebook network has exploded this year with pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, and updates on people's kids.

Through it all, I've gone through every emotion you can imagine. I'm happy for people, yet really mad at the same time. I'm frustrated, confused, lost, scared, lonely. I feel like a failure. I am incredibly mad at God. I am incredibly mad at myself.

My birthday was perhaps my lowest point...that is, until today. There's nothing worse than officially getting one year older and having no desire to celebrate. I felt like I had achieved nothing. I had hoped I would have a little one-month old by the time of my birthday and would have something so special to celebrate. Instead, I turned 29 empty-handed. I screamed at God that day, I screamed at my husband, I screamed at my parents. Everyone wanted to celebrate me and all I wanted was to crawl in bed and feel sorry for myself.

Today was another incredibly low point on this journey. Today, I found out that a friend and his wife are complete accident! And, even better, the wife is somewhat mad about it and is not enjoying being pregnant. The irony of the situation is simply more than I can handle.

I want God to explain to me why he has chosen to give a baby to a couple that doesn't want kids, and completely passed over me and my husband. It's like giving the toy one kid really wants to the kid standing next to him who couldn't care less. I feel like God is just pointing at me and laughing. I'm really hurt and confused.

Nobody in my family seems to understand how I'm feeling. They all just keep acting optimistic and brushing it off like it's no big deal. Maybe I'm being unreasonable, overly sensitive. But maybe they just cannot understand how I feel because they are not the one who is failing at getting pregnant every month. I don't want to hear the optimism. All I want are answers. Answers from the doctor, answers from God. And yet nobody seems to have any answers to give me. So, I sit here, in an effort to try to relieve some of the sadness, purging my head of all of the thoughts and emotions that just won't seem to go away.