The Clomid did not work in February. I was devastated. I had a very hard time this weekend. Two weekends ago, when I thought I was pregnant, I was so happy. I saw the world in a whole different light. I felt like I was actually living. I was sitting in church two weekends ago and it dawned on me that I really had been living in a fog, simply going through the motions of life, but not really living and appreciating each day. I just felt so good.
And then this past Friday came. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. wanting to take a pregnancy test, but I made my self lay there and wait until about 6:00 a.m. I then crept downstairs and took one in the downstairs bathroom. I was so excited and nervous. The test was a very clear NO. I was devastated. But, I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself that it may still be too early to test, so there was still hope.
Three hours later, my period arrived. I cried. I felt like my world had just crashed down on me again. I felt horrible.
That was also the 8th anniversary of the day Michael and I met. He's always so sweet. He knew what had happened that morning, but he wanted to meet Friday evening at the Panera Bread where we met 8 years ago. He invites me there every year and this year was no different. He sent me an e-mail Friday afternoon reminding me that we had met 8 years ago and he hadn't forgotten. He asked me to please meet him at Panera and then we could go see a movie (Avatar). I wanted to go, but I also didn't want to go. But, of course I went.
Driving to Panera that evening, I was feeling bad. I prayed to God. I was asking why this keeps happening and why I have to feel so bad. And then He spoke to me. My mom had given me a CD of a song by Sidewalkf Prophets on my birthday when I was feeling very bad about my trouble conceiving. The CD case had been above my passenger side dashboard for months. It all of a sudden fell down to the seat beside me with a loud crash. My first response was, "What the hell? Where did that come from?" And then it hit me. He wanted me to listen to that song. I did and, through that song, He reminded me to be strong in Him and hang on for the future because good things are coming. I turned the song off and then I heard the other song that had really spoken to me recently, "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson. God reminded me through that song that while I'm experiencing some excruciating pain right now, it is going to pale in comparison to the joy that is coming. God restored my hope. But, I still couldn't shake the question of, "why me?"
And then, God spoke to me again. Michael and I were at home Saturday evening watching "Evan Almighty." As you may know, Evan is chosen to be the next Noah and strange, embarrassing things keep happening to him, despite the plans that he has for his future. His wife also gets frustrated and leaves with their children. She's sitting in a diner when she speaks to God, disguised as a waiter. She tells the waiter that she doesn't understand why these things are happening in their lives when all she wanted to do was be closer to her husband, etc. God says this: When people pray for strength or closeness or patience, do you think God gives them those things or gives them the opportunity to be those things? And then it dawned on me. I had been praying for a year for God to help Michael and I be closer to one another. We had drifted apart some, picking on the tiniest little things and resenting each other. But lately, through all of this infertility drama, we have been closer than I can ever remember. We lean on each other, support each other, love each other. We have more patience with each other and communicate much better with each other. We have become close again. God answered my prayer to be closer to Michael by presenting the opportunity to be closer through this infertility hardship.
Do I wish he would have picked a different way to help us become closer? Of course. But at the same time, I'm not sure anything else would have been as effective. We're both hurting and knowing we're closer doesn't take away the pain of the infertility. But, we're hurting together and loving each other through the hurt, and that helps make it a little more bearable.
I'm still scared, sad, worried about never being able to have a baby. But, I know that no matter what, Michael will still love me. He will still be by my side even if we are told we can never have a biological child. He will still be by my side through any adoption process we may have to go through. He will still be by my side if we decide to let go of the dream of having children. He will be there.
So, my realization, in sum, is bittersweet. Although we haven't successfully conceived a child, we have resurrected our marriage, for which I am extremely thankful.
And together, we will continue to try, try again until we succeed in creating whatever family God chooses for us.