Trying to Enjoy Christmas

I woke up this morning with a brief feeling that yesterday may have just been a bad dream. Unfortunately, it wasn't. I cried this morning for a while after my husband left for work. Then I pulled myself together and got ready to go to work myself.

I know I said this yesterday, but all I want is an explanation for why God chooses to do what he does. I can only hope that there is a reason He is waiting to bless us with a child. Maybe my child is meant to do something awesome at a certain age in a certain year. I cannot understand blessing someone who doesn't want a child with one, but I guess I just have to believe there is a reason.

Life just sucks sometimes, you know? I know it is the Christmas season, but I just haven't been in the mood to celebrate Christmas. I would trade every present I get this season for a baby. I would love nothing more than to have children to celebrate Christmas with and see the joy in their faces. Christmas just isn't that special for me this year, no matter how hard I try to make it be special. My husband doesn't want any gifts this year because all he wants to do is go to the Sugar Bowl. So, the excitement of shopping for the perfect present to say "I love you" to him is gone. My in-laws never want anything and I'm about to take them at their word one of these days and truly not buy them any presents. My parents are harder than heck to buy for, too.

The most joy I have gotten out of Christmas this year was shopping for a family we adopted through our church. They had three kids and I had a blast. But, you don't get to see the joy when they open their presents, and we already had to drop the gifts off at church, so that fun is over.

I'm going to be without my husband on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, too. I already feel lonely and I truly will be lonely those two days. He's going to the Sugar Bowl with his buddies. I'm happy for him and I want him to go, but it's going to be a lonely holiday for me this year.

Everything is just slightly off this year and so I don't have any Christmas spirit. I keep praying for my Christmas miracle. Maybe someday it will come true.